It’s wedding season and dinner party conversations naturally veer in that direction; families meeting to find suitable matches for their sons and daughters, the modern bride progressively choosing lighter hues in make-up and in wedding attire, and of course the excitement of attending destination weddings which come with all the frills.

Last week, there was a similar discussion taking place amongst a group of friends meeting at a popular city restaurant to share dinner. This particular discussion was around an all too familiar, first meeting of the elders in the family, to decide whether the prospective match was worthy of more time and attention or not. But there was one seemingly outrageous condition which put off the boys’ side. The condition, as articulated by the girl’s mother was that, her daughter would not work in the kitchen and even asking her to make a cup of tea would result in the failure of more than just a beverage.

Half of the dinner group, expressed disdain about how some women and their daughters were stretching feminism a bit too much. Others were of the opinion that it was irrelevant in today’s day and age to discuss matters of the kitchen when it comes to forming a lasting marriage. It’s not an easy side to pick, which way would you lean?

One wonders, is it time to change expectations from the bilateral equations of marriage itself, beyond just stepping out of the traditional wedding box?

In love marriages, these matters are expected to be less controversial because the spark between two people takes over; none of the mundane household stuff matters in the run up to the wedding. Such suggestions around kitchen responsibilities, living in a nuclear set up or the clothes one chooses to wear, seem to matter more when the match is arranged.

Thus, the suggestion by the girl’s mother wasn’t entirely unexpected and yet, it shocked one family. Their concern was not so much around outsourcing the banal housekeeping and kitchen responsibilities given the general financial health of the family, rather they were concerned about what would happen in unforeseen events like bankruptcy or the more predictable ones like house help not showing up. Will she continue to be adamant and refuse to make tea? Is the tea making going to be refused for the family, her husband or even herself? Doesn’t caregiving mandate tea making?

Here’s the thing, within the modern professional construct, where individuals regardless of gender are capable of earning and landing securely on their financial feet, well enough to outsource whatever chores they desire, these are entirely frivolous conditions to put forth or to reject. What’s shocking is that we are still discussing traditional marital roles and responsibilities when we should be talking about shared financial responsibility between two spouses. Managing your combined income in a way that you beat inflationInflation is a common term thrown around in economics lessons and by politicians around election time. What it means in simple language is that prices of things you buy, stuff, keeps increasing every year. It happens because the economy in... More and overcome global uncertainties is important, who makes the tea is irrelevant.

Financial independence before marriage

In the movie Dil Dhadakane Do, actress Priyanka Chopra plays the character of a strong, independent business woman who is insulted by her mother-in-law’s suggestion that her marriage should work because her husband is capable of taking her shopping and spending for her wants.

Isn’t this the same thing?

If you are not capable of cooking for yourself, then you need to secure your ability to hire someone to do it for you and that means being financially able to fund it. Palming off this financial responsibility to a well earning husband is not a viable excuse anymore. I’m calling out all those women who have given the ability to shirk basic financial independence from an earning father and are now looking to transfer it to a well earning husband; this isn’t going to end well.

If it’s not your job to cook and clean for your husband or the rest of your family, it’s not his job either to show up as the only provider and financial decision maker for a family. For men too, it’s unreasonable to expect your life partner to commit to lifelong kitchen service; don’t you want a true partnership and not just a housekeeper? If you can’t afford a housekeeper, then divide responsibilities based on skills and daily routines, rather than some imaginary gender privilege. Unfortunately, the job of a provider, can’t be outsourced, but it can be shared by both spouses.

If this girl, whose mother so boldly put forth a no kitchen commitment condition, was financially independent and capable, the discussion would be of a very different texture.

Focus on the marriage, not just the wedding

Wedding celebrations are evolving and it’s uplifting to see the bride being in control of what she wears, her choice of minimal jewellery, make up and so on. But, weddings should be more than a celebratory showcase, they should be the harbinger for the modern day marriage too.

Isn’t marriage, just like the wedding that preceded it, about attending to the genuine needs of two people committing to each other for life? The modern Indian marriage is no longer about the gender roles that society put in place or the traditions that birth gender based responsibilities within a household. It’s two people being able to show up for each other beyond those well-defined traditional roles and responsibilities. If men are expected to respect women’s emancipation, women too should stop looking at marriage only as a means to secure their financial future. Financial independence rather than barista like responsibilities, is the way forward to flourish in the depth of relationship that marriage binds us to. Next time you’re at a dinner party discussing destination weddings, think about the sanctity of marriage too and the financial outcomes that define it.

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